So, I started posting music again, like I said. Actually keeping that promise this time, haha! It's been about a year since my last post and... a lot has happened. In fact, something has happened this last year which has changed the course of my life.
Less than a month after this same date one year ago, I had broken down from difficulties in university, again. I realized that a lot of my difficulties weren't quite reasonable in the way I had thought before. I started researching ADHD and found that almost every single diagnostic criteria resonated with me and explained many of my difficulties for years now.
So, I scheduled a mental health assessment for diagnosis, and continued researching simultaneously while waiting.
266 days ago, on May 17, 2021, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
It's hard to properly explain just how big an impact this had, let alone how much it is still having. So many things slotted into place in ways that I hadn't even considered before. Suddenly, the "walls" I'd felt between myself and other people fell into place. Difficulties with relationships, childishness in odd ways, obsession with music, synesthesia, accidentally saying the wrong thing and being rude in ways I just... didn't understand.
Incidentally, I am sincerely sorry for all of the people I've insulted by accident over the years, or otherwise been rude to unknowingly. Genuinely, I've been surprised about it the majority of the time, haha! ...but, I still regret it.
There are a lot of things I regret, and wish I could have known or understood sooner.
Maybe, then, I'd have been able to retain my focus on music.
Maybe, then, I'd have gotten help when I needed it.
Maybe, then, I wouldn't have been abused for many years and left with probable (though, unfortunately, still undiagnosed) PTSD.
Or maybe everything still would have happened the way it did. Can't know for sure.
Now, I am currently in therapy. I'm currently getting help in ways that are more appropriate. I've been accommodating my needs and scheduling.
Now, I have a new purpose too. I've been building a community for other autistic people (particularly late-diagnosed ones and minorities). I've been working on new projects.
I will still be posting music, more regularly than before as I've gradually pulled out of depression and given myself kindnesses that I had never thought I deserved when I felt so strongly that i was just a "broken human".
One of the large projects I've been working on is available here. I doubt many people will be interested in it, but it is an 80-minute long presentation about autism intended for a university class. It has a lot of information most people don't know.
I know talking about this will probably get judgement or pity or something. I dunno. Just wanted to be open about it.
Live well, everyone!